We all have been taught the basic concept of needs and wants, and the basic needs of food, shelter and clothing with some modern inclusions like internet and entertainment. But one of the most underestimated need is the feeling of being important. Dominance, or the power and influence over others. This is directly connected to self-confidence but they are fundamentally very different. Notice how it is mentioned as a need and not a want. Long periods of subordination lead to detrimental effects like depression, poor mental health, and also often leads to the tendency to commit suicide. It indeed is a need as it is a matter of life and death.

The first time I was made to think about it was while reading How to win friends and influence people by Dale Carnegie. I have been selfish all my life because that is how I was made to be by the life circumstances. Although, I do think about others, but that is only at convenience or when someone is in subordinate category just like everyone else who does not worry about the problems that Bill Gates might be going through. The ideology behind deserves another blog post, and is surely something to think about. But reading this classic is when I was made to think from others’ perspectives. It was so focussed on how to make others’ feel better about themselves to be able to influence them. Although, the merits of this are debatable, and it focuses a lot on pleasing others to have influence, but what it presents is mere truth. Everyone loves attention, feeling important or in other words, have feeling of dominance. Every little praise, a moment of success, or any validation for your work brings some feeling of being important with it. That contributes to the ego, the confidence.

As mentioned, the feeling of being self-confident and having the feeling of dominance are connected, but one is on the positive side and one on slightly negative. Self confidence is the need, but that is not directly satiated. Factors which make you feel important are the ones that help satisfy this need. This also has an evolution theoretic perspective, as the ones who dominate, the ones who are the fittest, survive. The fitness function has changed quite a lot in the modern world. This need for dominance can be used to advantage, but has also been a disadvantage for many. As any need or want, anything in excess is bad. You just need it as much as it is required for the self-confidence, anything over that is a part of want, is a luxury. Being a good human, a good son/daughter, a good parent, a good employee and doing the basic respective duties is more than sufficient to satiate the need. But the greed has been the enemy. When you want it in excess, the ego comes into the picture. Ego acts as a protective wall between you and anything that can attack your ability to dominate. On a short detour, we all know that this is a negative quality and is perceived as one by others. This is why we do not bring that up and are open to whatever our superiors have to say, or when you meet someone new. But it is only the ones who are close to you or the ones who are subordinate, that you choose to exercise this dominance. You take them for granted for your own ego boost, think about how justified that is.

Ego boost is required every now and then. But when you want excess of it, you get into trouble. Every discussion becomes an argument. In a long term, the relations are affected. The ability to be open-minded is taken away. You are no longer open to new ideas, you stick to what you know, believe what you know is the ultimate truth and contradict others, sometimes merely for the sake of contradiction even when you know other person is right, the ego makes you not give up on the side you chose, it makes you not let it go or accept that you are wrong. It is important to be self aware to avoid this, being conscious in your thoughts and actions, analyzing your behavior. Whenever you see your discussion becoming an argument, take a step back and think from others’ POV. Not being impulsive, responding instead of reacting is the way to go. At the same time, it is important to not being carried away. You should be open to knowing all the facts, and in the end have an unbiased opinion of your own. This is what being grounded, or down to earth means. It does not mean you are subordinating to others’ ideology or losing out on self-respect (also make sure you know where it is the self-respect you are trying to protect and where it is the ego), it means you are open to what everyone has to say, but at the end have your own unbiased judgement.

Conclusion
These were just some of the things I had learnt the hard way and realize are important. Self reflection has got the better out of me. I am still working on being better at it. Being self-aware in my thoughts and actions, and eventually being a better human. Every once in a while, reflect and see if you would like your son or daughter, and more importantly yourself, be like the person you are today, it is never too late to change and all it takes is a decision.

P.S. There is a lot in each sentence and there is a lot left untold. But majorly, I have tried to encompass most of my thoughts.